The Journey Begins! (for reals this time!!)

We got a positive this morning (hooray for digital EPT!)

I am so crazy excited right now, it's killing me to not shout it from the roof tops. Instead I'm at work, happily (silently) reeling.
We're trying to keep it on the quiet side until after the first trimester, but if I don't write things out then my brain becomes a scary place.

So my levels are where they should be, vitamins are taken daily, calories and protein are great, and our first appointment is on January 14th. Fasting blood sugar is higher than I would like (has been since I started ovulating and hasn't really come back down) but hopefully, I can get it in a good place and not get slapped with a "high risk" label.
My fastings are almost never under 100, I have a defective liver, it dumps every morning, I guess more than my pancreas can handle, but here's the weird part, I'm normal the rest of the day, perfect, stellar numbers, really. My last A1C was 6.0 which translates to "at risk for diabetes". Not bad for a girl who spent 12 years as a horribly controlled, insulin resistant diabetic...

So I'll be following the diabetic structured diet, keeping up with my exercise, and getting lots of sleep and hoping that everything will work out for me and the little one. We're calling it kicsi right now (at 4 weeks we obviously don't know the gender) it's Hungarian for "little one". I wanted to go with minion but I'm not sure how to pronounce "kegyenc"  and I'm not ready to ask Grandma cuz she'll want to know why and then have everyone told within an hour... so if anyone is good enough with Hungarian to give me pronunciation, we'll have to stick with kicsi for now (figured that one out from "a little bit" egy kicsit  as in "a little bit" those disks have been marginally helpful!)


For now, I shall go back to a most extremely dead day at work, and wish you all a very Happy Solstice!

Viszlát!

Should Have Kept My Mouth Shut

I find myself wishing I hadn’t told anyone our pregnancy plans. I’m not pregnant yet, after the ease of our first conception, I didn’t think it would be an issue. He wasn’t planned, our relationship was still so new, then oops, I didn’t have a period for the first 9 months we were together? Yeah, silly me, thinking baby the 2^nd would be just as easy. I hate being wrong. I hate not knowing things and I hate this waiting period.

Having people constantly asking me if I’m pregnant yet brings the failure to the forefront, depressing me, reminding me that my plans have gone awry. It’s not just one person asking too frequently, it’s everyone asking 1 or 2 times a month. The answer is no, I’m not pregnant, I’m doing everything right, I’m healthy, my folic acid levels are awesome, I have no vitamin deficiencies, I exercise, my cholesterol is perfect, my A1C is still in the “pre” diabetes range (I like to call it “post” or “on hold”). I’ve tried counting my calories, to make sure my balance is there, and it was, then I realized I was becoming obsessed so I stopped in hopes that if I didn’t think too much, it could just happen. Maybe it’s time to freaking starve myself, lose those extra twelve pounds that make me look hot rather than anorexic so I can release whatever stored up estrogen thinks it is lurking in fat (WHAT FAT?!!?!?!) to get pregnant, since obviously taking care of myself and eating balanced meals isn’t working.

Next test is Thanksgiving morning, if there is news, I'll share, otherwise, please don't ask me if I'm pregnant yet.

End Rant.

And So It Begins!

Not officially of course, but close enough. I got a positive on my ovulation tester this morning, and we've finished with the fun part of conception, now I get to sit back for two weeks and fret and wonder and hope... Have I done everything I needed to do to prepare my body for this adventure? Stopped the occasional smoking and drinking and use of OTC medications and herbs and caffeine and other appetite suppressants. I take my vitamins regularly. Not sure if I'm eating enough, but I'm sure there will be a dietitian or forty along the way to tell me what to do.
So now we wait... I HATE waiting...

No, Not Yet

Before everyone gets too excited, no, I'm not pregnant yet. We haven't even started trying yet, that'll happen next month (OMG BREATHE!) but I wanted to get this started (save the site etc) because I've been finding frustratingly little advice when it comes to pregnancy after gastric bypass surgery... I really want to be prepared this time around as my son was a complete surprise. When I got pregnant with him, I was overweight, nearly obese. I had diabetes and it was out of control, I put his life in jeopardy by not taking care of my health, I feel like I failed him in that respect.On the positive side, he's perfectly normal and healthy now, but those 10 days he had to start his life in NICU were a twisted dagger in my heart because if I had tried harder to take care of me, he might not have had to go in there.
Twenty five months ago I had gastric bypass surgery, I lost 106 pounds in the first 9 months, I've kept off about 100 of them. My diabetes is considered to be in remission and I am the healthiest I've ever been. My lab work tells me I have no vitamin/nutrient deficiencies, but I worry still. I feel like I traded one group of concerns for another. For the most part I think it's going to be okay, but I worry about some things...

Will I be able to conceive? When I was overweight/obese I had PCOS and they told me it would be pretty darned hard for me to get pregnant, then oops, hello positive pregnancy tests! Did the PCOS go away with my excess weight? I have no idea, I hope so, but I'm concerned I still have it makes me worry about conception

Will my nutrient mal-absorption hurt my baby? Lots of post gastric bypass women have normal healthy pregnancies, but will I be one of them? Part of me wants to keep the pregnancy secret until we get past the "danger zone" but I know that would drive me insane, so my compromise is this blog, which I don't think many people read, but at least I get a chance to get everything out.

Can I carry this one full-term? My son had to be taken 4 weeks early because of my out of control blood sugar. Will they even let me go 40 weeks?

Will I get gestational diabetes? Rumor has it my risk is lower, but I'm monitoring my blood sugar anyway. I can't take the glucose tolerance test, I now have reactive hypoglycemia and the amount of glucose they give you for that test will end with me on the floor unconscious of vomiting, so I'm back to finger sticks, working hard to get back in the habit, learning now what foods are problematic for me so I can find substitutions now rather than later.

Will I get referred to a dietitian who has no clue how to care for me? Someone who will push more carbs on me than I am comfortable consuming? I might, but I also have my surgeon's dietitian standing by with advice for which I am grateful. I'll just listen to anyone they send me to, talk it over with my husband, my dietitian, and my doctors and find the best course for my individual pregnancy needs.

Will I have to have another Caesarian? Can I really pre-mediate getting cut open again for the sake of a baby? The practice I use isn't a fan of VBAC's and now that I'm small, they can see how narrow my frame really is, and I wonder even if I wanted to give birth vaginally 1- would they let me, 2- can I physically do it, 3- is it a good idea?

How am i going to deal with purposely having to gain weight after losing 106 pounds? This scares me so much, I fear developing an eating disorder. Someone with my BMI is advised to gain 30ish pounds during pregnancy, how is my head going to be able to do that? I'm trying to remain calm about it, knowing how it breaks down between the actual weight of the baby, increased blood volume, amniotic fluid, increased uterus size, blah de balh de blah blah blah... I guess to keep myself sane I need to make sure I'm only gaining healthy baby weight and taking as good if not better care of myself during that time.

One day at a time, and that's where this blog will come in. So far I've prepared as much as I can with vitamin planning, protein powder planning (balancing the artifical sweeteners: i plan to alternate between powders that use stevia and sucralose so I'm not getting too much of any one thing). I've started the finger sticks again, and I've started logging my food again. When I time comes I'll change my calorie goals on the log so i can make sure baby and me are getting adequate nutrition, but until that day comes, I guess I just wait and see where this journey will take me.

Wish us luck! I'm going to need it...